In the context of an ever globalizing society, the gravest threats to the stability of the American public often go unnoticed in the digital bazaar, creeping silently into our very homes and ruthlessly smothering all that we hold dear as Americans while we dream our sweet, sweet dreams. From Bin Laden to Zawahiri, the list of notorious enemies continues to blossom in the dark depths of this decaying world; now the greatest threat to our prosperity and happiness has emerged, one that is poised to rip the social fabric of this very nation apart at the seams. As a result, our society will be plunged into a chaotic, primordial wasteland that would leave Thomas Hobbes stating simply, “Damn!” I’m speaking of course about Harry Potter.

Mr. Potter’s exploits into dismantling the morals of this great country are nothing new and have been widely documented by many an alert citizen. He and his no good tea and “taxation without representation” loving cronies have been trying for years to brainwash America’s children, corrupting their ethereal innocence with witchcraft and ubiquitous phallic references (what do you think a patronus really is?). Yet, the damage done so far by this Quiddich-playing bastard will seem as minor as Paris Hilton’s prison sentence when Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows is released July 21st.

As every Potter fan knows, everything is fair game in Deathly Hallows, the final installment of the series; while the world gears up at page one to discover what lies in store for Harry and his posse, it will only take one narcissistic asshole with a computer, a large e-mailing list, and access to YouTube to (upon receiving their copy at 12:01 a.m.) read the last chapter and tell the world that Snape dies to save Harry. The end result: the streets of this nation will transform into sanguine rivers, fueled by thousands of cases of fratricide, domestic violence, fanatic-related suicides, and the tears of a broken-hearted generation of young children.

Yes, it seems that if we do not take pre-emptive action now to stop this book from being released, the end of days may be upon us as our society collapses upon itself. Do not fear, however, for hope endures if reason prevails! American society’s only chance for survival is to band together, not as a group of individuals, but as a single body. If this book is to savagely pull us apart, then we must respond in turn by pulling together! Washington must take swift and decisive action, demanding large scale gatherings where we can purge this plague from our pristine shores. Together we can collectively burn this vile piece of literary nonsense in the streets—these “freedom beacons” will remind us of our divine role as the torch that pours light into this barbaric world. I’m thinking something along the lines of this will do……

So take heed of this warning, otherwise all that you hold dear will be swept away faster than it would take Alex Taylor to break down in tears if The Economist was struck by a meteor….or even worse……good ole common sense.

Jeff May is a policy writer for the Institute Devoted to Intelligent Overviews Today