I’m finally graduating from college this August. Problem is, I’ve only managed to acquire a BA in Arts and Letters over the last five years. Well, that and an amazing ability to write seven pages on anything three hours before the due date with little to no prep work. I occasionally watch Dirty Jobs and find myself sufficiently lacking in my ability to chainsaw dead horses for French cuisine or to wallow in the town’s collective fecal mater for twelve hours at a time. (As a quick aside, why doesn’t Dirty Jobs do porn episodes? Have they and I missed it? Are they saving it for sweeps? Can you imagine Mike Rowe trying to be a bottom for a day?)

I’m remarkably unemployable. I’ve tried getting real jobs on those few occasions where I decided I wanted to try and grow up, but nothing has really panned out. But now that I’m graduating, I’m going to need to find something else to do with my day, so I’m looking for jobs that I’m actually suited for. Thankfully, a lifelong revulsion of athleticism and the constant refusal of girls to touch me in my special place has made me adept at videogames. From handheld to console to PC, I can probably beat the dang thing in a few hours. And that means I have job opportunities now.
Awesome.

Job Possibility #1 – Member of the MLG

These are the guys trying to make Halo the next national pastime. Can you imagine that? Shooting the Covenant and space zombies may one day be a sport where everyone leaves at the seventh inning to beat the traffic! Dare to dream.

The MLG road tour offers tournaments from 4v4 Halo to Halo Free-for-all to 4v4 Rainbow Six: Vegas (they really need to offer a Sam & Max round to get me to play). They’re offering million dollar jackpots to winning teams and players. This actually might be something I could get into if some friends and relatives didn’t think they were too cool to play videogames anymore. It would be just like going to Tobis’ house!

The only real con I can say about the MLG is how the games and tournaments will undoubtedly change every few years. Those game companies like to make sequels, and they like to get people to play those sequels, so why not make the forefront video game players play those games? Sports greatness comes from repetition of training. Do you think A-Rod would be having such a great season if Steinbrenner decided the Yankees would play soccer in 2007? Well maybe soccer is a bit much. It’d be more like Cricket I think. Cricket that is played for 9 innings. Whatever.

Job Possibility #2 – MMO Gold Farmer

This is apparently a big thing in China already. Basically you have a nerd who sits in an Internet café and farms gold and xp on some dumb Massively Multiplayer Online game all day long. You then sell this junk for exorbitant prices. It makes sense, I mean, these people have lives, they don’t have the time or dedication of the crazy gold farmer to spend 80 hours in a row killing some stupid monsters. In fact, neither do I. Screw gold farming. If I’m ever that desperate for cash I’ll just become a prostitute.

Job Possibility #3 – Second Life Real Estate Mogul

You may have heard that Second Life is the next big thing according to some news source or whatever. But if you listen to Warren Ellis or Petey from Something Awful, you might be aware that this utopian alternative to reality is overrun with bestiality enthusiasts and pedophiles.

It’s really dumb how someone has made money with this. It’s the same as that Beanie Baby economy from the mid 1990s. People were shelling out $1500 for a cloth bat. It was an “investment.” But then one day, someone asked “Hey, why the HELL are we paying so much money for CLOTH BATS!?!?!?” and the economy collapsed overnight. Guess what happened to all those poor schmucks who hadn’t managed to resell their cloth bats yet? That’s right, they were stuck with a bunch of CLOTH BATS!

My point being, that this is an economy with an execution date. Eventually someone will realize that shelling this much money out for virtual land is really stupid. If you haven’t made your money by then, well, I guess you’re just out of luck. You’ll be stuck as landlord to a bunch of dog raping miscreants.

Which is a real shame, because if it weren’t for all the people, Second Life would be pretty cool. But I guess they serve a purpose of some sort, like making the Burger King job seem all that more reasonable. Watch the tube while I become a corporate shill.

You want fries with that? Sorry, sir, we’re closing and we just shut off the fryer.