Germany: “WE GIVE BACK NOTHING!”

Queen Nefertiti: retarded and one-eyed.

So I just read in Der Spiegel that there’s now a diplomatic row between Germany and Egypt over a 2,400 year old bust of Queen Nefertiti. Evidently, it was discovered by German archaeologist Ludwig Borchardt in 1912. This was before antiquities laws were really, uh, extant, so the Ottomon government just let them take it. Obviously, Egypt (formerly part of the Ottoman Empire) now regrets that decision.

Queen Nefertiti’s bust isn’t just any ordinary bust though, it’s been the jewel of the Berlin museum system since 1923 and was also one of Hitler’s personal favorites, ostensibly because it contains the headpiece to the Staff of Ra. And, of course, it just so happens to be at the top of Zahi Hawass’ wish list for repatriated archaeological artifacts. Zahi Hawass (left), the Overlord of Egypt’s Supreme Council for Antiquities, has retalliated against Germany’s impudence by issuing a fatwa of sorts—a “scientific jihad”—against them. “It will be a scientific war,” says Hawass.

So the question is, if the artifact was taken from Egypt and Egypt now wants it back, why won’t Germany give it to them? Dietrich Wildung, curator of the Altes Museum where Nefertiti is housed, has put forth the argument that it’s simply “too precious to risk.” Wildung claims that the plaster layer around the artifact rules out foreign travel. “It’s much too delicate for a 3,000 kilometer journey.” But, in 2003, two Hungarian artists were allowed to use the sculpture for a video installation (which was eventually called off because Egypt threatened to ban Wildung’s work).

Bruno’s rampage, depicted with Legos.This isn’t the first time within the past few months that Germany has done this, though. In late March of this year, another diplomatic row cropped up between Germany and Italy over the corpse of Bruno the Bear. Bruno had gone on a “sheep-eating rampage” in the Bavarian Alps before being shot dead by hunters at the behest of Bavarian authorities. This was after the Finns were unable to successfully locate and capture the bear alive, which prompted the Swedes to add a few more Finnish jokes to their repertoire. After Bruno’s death, it received not only a full obituary from Der Spiegel, but members of the Social Democratic party in Bavaria even called for the resignation of the state’s Minister of the Environment, Werner Schappauf.

Things would’ve probably ended there, but because Bruno happened to be born in the Italian Alps, the Italian government requested repeatedly that the bear’s corpse be sent to Italy. All of these requests went unanswered by the Bavarian Environmental Minister. The Bavarian government now wants to have Bruno stuffed, mounted and put on display in a museum, much to the chagrin of the Italian government. According to Der Spiegel—I shit you not—the bear is being kept in a freezer at an undisclosed location for security reasons. What reasons are these? Der Spiegel concludes:

It’s unclear whether this is to prevent a raid by Italian commandos or a vigil by the many Bruno fans for whom the bear remains an unforgotten tragic hero.

Why is Germany being such a douche? You’d think that placing all of continental Europe and most of North Africa under the yoke of fascism a few decades ago would make them be a tad more conciliatory towards other countries. I’m not really sure I can give an adequate explanation as to why Germany refuses to give back anything that happens to fall within their borders, especially things that obviously belong to other countries. Afterall, maybe they’re just angry at being the 20th century’s great Satan?

I think you could make the argument that economic integration between various countries of the world (aka “Globalization” insert picture of a nude Thomas Friedman riding a humpback whale) breeds a certain level of peace. If everyone is making money off of each other, what incentive is there to wage war? Well, human nature isn’t always rational or logical, and so financial matters can only account for a portion (albeit a fairly significant portion—wink wink, nudge nudge) of national considerations. There are others, of course, such as: “how could we threaten another country with minimal effort?” or “where should we display some item to offend a neighbor the most?” I think the best answer is to send a message, which is why Germany should cut off the bear’s head and send it to Egypt via FedEx with a strongly-worded letter attached. Then, put the Queen’s bust at the top of the Bavarian Alps with the rest of Bruno’s limp, lifeless body dangled over it like a tarp as a symbol of German national pride.

Let ‘em know who’s boss, because if you’re going to be a prick, you should at least not look like a sissy doing it.