America Under Attack: Astronauts

Today, it seems everywhere we look we find Astronaut culture. Children eat dehydrated ice cream and play with astronaut toys. Astronaut fashion is all the rage within the youth culture, as are golf carts modified to look like rocket cars. At times it seems overwhelming. What happened to the culture we used to know?

Indeed, it seems hard to imagine a world without velcro shoes, drinks made out of powder and roving gangs of moon buggies.

As of 2006, a total of 450 people had travelled to space. That’s for the entire world, so the American numbers are probably less than that. But, how many astronauts have been elected to the senate and house? A terrifying amount?

I’ve found about 11, although I believe that estimate is low, as I didn’t search for very long and many might secretly have been astronauts in their youth. Check out the Biographies of Aerospace Officials and Policymakers and you’ll see the tremendous amount of influence the space lobby has in Washington. They spend billions of dollars throwing complicated machinery into space to the point where space has become so cluttered with their garbage that it threatens our way of life. But who’s responsible for this satellite addiction in the first place?

Pre-NASA this wouldn’t have been an issue, ever since the “space-based communication” boom of last century, the global economy has become completely dependent on space technology. NASA is the pusher, and we’re the junkie. They have us by the throat.

You may ask, “Why is this a problem? Sure my kid likes astronauts, but is that so bad?” You idiot, it is. There is a fundamental difference between astronauts and regular Americans. Space people think they’re “too good” for the earth. That’s why they’re always trying to leave it. They’re all about change and exploration and moving to the future. But, what happened to family values? They’ve been stuffed into a toothpaste food and fed to the nearest jacked up adreneline astornazi with a superiority complex. Plus astronauts just look creepy.

While the NASA illuminati and astronazis widdle away our earthly values in government, they are also doing it in the press. Former astronaut Lisa Nowak, who’s astroname is O-345B, an ex-mechanical arm operator was recently arrested for wearing a wig and a trench-coat while driving across state lines in diapers. Oh and kidnapping and attempted murder.

But what’s more interesting is her astronaut tool bag:

During a check of the parking lot, an officer followed Nowak and watched her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. They also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested, authorities said.

Inside Nowak’s vehicle, which was parked at a nearby motel, authorities uncovered a pepper spray package, an unused BB-gun cartridge, latex gloves and e-mails between Shipman and Oefelein. They also found a letter “that indicated how much Mrs. Nowak loved Mr. Oefelein,” an opened package for a buck knife, Shipman’s home address and hand written directions to the address, the arrest affidavit said.

This list may seem very strange and mostly innocuous to a normal earth-loving American, but in the hands of an astronaut it can only mean trouble. As you can see from this video taken from Apollo 13, NASA specializes in making strange devices out of random objects:

If they can build a CO2 convertor from those bizarre objects, what can they do with a BB-gun, some gloves, knives, wigs, rubber tubing, $600 and E-mails? Perhaps we’ll never know, but thank god she was caught in time.

The bottom line is astronauts should not be allowed to roam the streets. At the very least there should be a three day waiting period on any purchases of seemingly random objects, especially if any sort of tubing is involved. Steps should also be taken to educate our children about the dangers of the “astronaut lifestyle” and to educate voters about the death grip NASA has on American politics. Our only weapon is knowledge. Spread the word.