Guitar Smashing 101

Recently on a mediocre Saturday Night Live, the innovative band Arcade Fire performed two songs from their new album Neon Bible, which you can find here. The vocalist/songwriter Win Butler strummed away on his acoustic-electric, on which he had taped the words “sak vide pa kanpe.; That phrase translates to “an empty sack cannot stand up,” which apparently is an inspirational phrase in Haitian… To my suprise, at the end of the song he smashed his guitar:

Although I love Arcade Fire, this was unsettling for me. First of all, their sound is hardly raucous. They’ve got a powerful mellow sound but there’s not a lot of “jump” to their music. When is it appropriate to smash a guitar?

According to Wikipedia, an unchallengeable source of truthiness, the first musician to smash his instrument on stage was Charles Mingus, the famous jazz bassist, who did it out of frustration. The Animals, a great British Invasion blues-rock band, who did “House of the Risin’ Sun,” took this and incorporated it into their act. The Who then took that and made destruction their own, as seen here on the Smothers Brothers:

The destruction of the drum kit in that video cost Pete Townshend his hearing, and though the execution was less than precise, it’s obviously a well thought out plan when pyrotechnics are involved. According to Townshend, who in a recent Hendrix biography called his guitar smashing “serious art school shit”, the idea was to express a youthful anger, which also apparently involves stuttering (“M-m-m-my Generation”).

While Pete criticized it as “showing off,” Jimi Hendrix’s guitar destruction is, like his music, far more creative and spectacular. At Monterey Pop, he lit his guitar on fire, rode it, and mock-fucked the amplifiers, before finally smashing his instrument. To Hendrix, this was a “sacrifice,” though he was most likely very high from 1965 until his death, as seen here:

Jeff Beck did it, KISS did it, Metallica did it, Guns N’ Roses did it, the Clash did it, and the Sex Pistols too (though the Sex Pistols couldn’t use their guitars, so they were mainly Props of Rage). Guitar destruction has never really gone out of style, as seen in this hip Nirvana smashing. I chose this clip because Nirvana needs all the coverage they can get. If you haven’t heard of them you should really check them out, they’re this great underground rock band from the early 90s… They wrote some famous songs I think…

Yet, many artists haven’t made a spectacle of smashing their guitars on stage, even though they’ve had long tenures. Artists who haven’t smashed their guitars include the Beatles, Yanni, Sting, Lou Reed, Pink Floyd, and the Rolling Stones, who have done it rarely, and usually in self-defense:

So, why is the Arcade Fire smashing guitars? To borrow a term from the cannon of the Advanced Theory, “Overt” bands, those intentionally trying to be different, young and rebellious, are more likely to take to these theatrics than “Advanced” artists, and even regular artists. A mellow band like the Arcade Fire then are justified in this theory by their overall overtness. If you don’t understand this, try this Klosterman article, though I don’t think anyone will fully understand it.

Still, if you’re going to talk about neighborhoods, families and society and your lyrics are delicate and poetic, you probably shouldn’t be smashing guitars, just as artists like Poison shouldn’t be backed up by a xylophone and dual violinists. Not that I’m in a position to criticize the Arcade Fire, but hopefully this will put their destruction into context.

Mark Elliot Cullen 6 Comments

Street Sweep Contest!

So we all know that the Velvet Howler has pretty much everything you could want in an online mag.. insightful wit, celebrity bashing, bizarre current events, and hot editors…

But one area where we’re sorely lacking is fashion. Sure, we could do what other mags do and tell you what is cool based solely on our staff’s opinions, but as you might have guessed, we’re not that kind of mag. So we decided to rely on some input from our readers to get our fash on.

That’s right cowgirls and boys, we’re hosting a contest!

How to enter the Velvet Howler Street Sweep:

This contests focusses on street fashion, so throw something crazy together and snap a few shots!

Pictures must be:

• Of you
• Full body shots (we want to see your whole outfit!)
• Not nude (though feel free to message us nudes if you want, they just wont go in the contest, rawr)
• Original (don’t try to recreate what you see in other magazines, go crazy!)
• Unpublished

Email your photos to afranken@andrew.cmu.edu or ryb@andrew.cmu.edu (No more than 5 please, we’ll only be choosing one from each contestant to put into the contest.

Please also include your first name, age, and city.

Once we get twenty photos we like, they’ll go up on the Howler for public viewing and voting. Yes that’s right, you’ll be practically famous!

“omg, the VH made me famous!”

Girls and boys are welcome, but no astronauts.

Get to it!

Alayna Frankenberry 2 Comments

The Velvet Howler Supports G.I. Spears

While other mags purport themselves as being on the cutting edge of fashion, Velvet Howler makes good on its promises. We’re on the very cusp of style, and that cusp is bald as a baby’s ass.

That’s right, kids, bald is the new awesome. Why else would Britney Spears shave her head?

The Velvet Howler’s next move? More tattoos, then rehab.

PS: The Velvet Howler is not responsible for any nightmares incurred as a result of these images.

Alayna Frankenberry 8 Comments

Huskerdoo: Bonnaroo? (White Stripes Return)

So the artists for this year’s Bonnaroo festival have been announced, and I’m pretty excited about the lineup. I’ve never been to a festival before, but I’m seriously considering this one since it’s got so many great performers and my semester will be over by then. Has anyone been before? What’s the atmosphere like? Which bands look best to you? The full band listing and my picks follow after the jump.

Bands I’m excited about:

1. The White Stripes
2. The Flaming Lips
3. Regina Spektor
4. The Black Keys
5. David Cross

(Ok, maybe the Police, but only for Message in a Bottle)

http://www.bonnaroo.com/

The Police • Tool • Widespread Panic • The White Stripes • Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals • Wilco • The Flaming Lips • MANU CHAO Radio Bemba Sound System • The String Cheese Incident • Franz Ferdinand • Bob Weir & Ratdog • Damien Rice • Ween • Gov’t Mule • Ziggy Marley • The Decemberists • Kings of Leon • Michael Franti & Spearhead • Wolfmother • Regina Spektor • The Black Keys • Galactic • DJ Shadow • Gillian Welch • Spoon • Keller Williams (WMD’S) • Sasha & John Digweed • STS9 • Old Crow Medicine Show • The Hold Steady • Lily Allen • North Mississippi Allstars • Fountains Of Wayne • Hot Tuna • Feist • Hot Chip • John Butler Trio • Ralph Stanley & the Clinch Mountain Boys • Aesop Rock • The Richard Thompson Band • Dierks Bentley • James Blood Ulmer • Xavier Rudd • Gogol Bordello • Junior Brown • Tortoise • T-Bone Burnett • Mavis Staples • Clutch • Cold War Kids • Dr. Dog • Paolo Nutini • Brazilian Girls • RX Bandits • The Nightwatchman • The Slip • Girl Talk • Railroad Earth • Martha Wainwright • Rodrigo y Gabriela • Annuals • Tea Leaf Green • Sam Roberts Band • Elvis Perkins in Dearland • Charlie Louvin • Sonya Kitchell • Mute Math • Apollo Sunshine • Uncle Earl • The National • The Little Ones • Black Angels • Ryan Shaw • Lewis Black & Friends • Dave Attell • David Cross •

Mark Elliot Cullen 4 Comments

Bush pisses off a musician! Again!

This is the face of an angry man.

Ricky Martin, the Latin singing sensation, was performing at a concert in Puerto Rico a few days ago, singing his song “Asignatura Pendiente.” There’s a line in there that basically translates to “a photo with Bush.” In a moment that was in no way an attempt to ride on international anti-Bush sentiment back into the spotlight, Ricky Martin gave the finger to the President of the United States.

With that simple hand gesture, Martin has joined the ranks of fellow anti-Bush recording artists, like the Dixie Chicks, Kanye West, and the combined forces of Green Day and U2. Some would say that Martin was expressing a popular sentiment felt the world over. A cynic would say what I stated above, that this is Martin trying to attach some sort of significance to himself and trying to take the easy path back to Famousland. However, I put forth a third theory. Ricky Martin has realized he is basically responsile for all of the misdeeds of the Bush Administration, and is trying desperately to undo the damage he has caused.

Don’t believe me?

Those with a sharp mind may remember Ricky Martin from the 2001 Inaugural Ball, where he performed for the victorious Republicans. At one point, the President even danced with Martin on stage. (Don’t bother trying to load the CNN video, the idiots didn’t think it was necessary to keep it up for six years. But sure, leave the link. Let the kids have HOPE.)

There’s nothing in the facts to confirm it, but I think this might be where all the anti-gay legislation and policies came from over the next six years. It wasn’t that the Republicans are an inherently bigoted organization. It wasn’t that the religious right were trying to strong arm the country back to the stone age. It was because George danced with another guy. And liked it.

I wonder now how often Bush must have been thinking about that dance. Not only is he from steers or queers Texas, you also have to remember that Bush had been living for the better part of two years in a high stress campaign environment, where every action and statement he made was either highly scrutinized or covered up. How do you get the press to stop asking about your service record? Mispronounce nuclear. How do you dodge questions about corporate kickbacks? Let the twins go out on a bender.

How do you convince everyone that you don’t want Ricky Martin to shake your bon-bon? You create the most fucked up presidency ever.

Think about it! No wonder he was too distracted to read any intelligence reports about al-Qaeda. No wonder he let the diplomatic ties slide and allowed two rogue nations to acquire nuclear programs! No wonder he basically tried to get homosexuals outlawed! That greasy little chimp was worried we’d call him on the dance! Everything he has done, from the marriage amendment, the unofficial political leaks, even the war in Iraq has all been Bush trying to overcompensate and repress his desires for the most sensual member of Menudo.

His shame must have been such a burden these past years. Every press conference worrying if this time his antics weren’t going to be enough to cover up that longing in his eyes. That the next questions wouldn’t be about his own carefully crafted veil of corruption and hypocrisy, but the gleam of true happiness on his face that cold night in January, that night that seems so long ago…

Ricky Martin: So sexy he seduced an oil-man’s son, and sent the world tumbling into chaos. We can only hope that this scorn that Bush has received from his beloved is enough to get him to end the madness.

And now, because I always need to embed Youtube videos, here are the music videos for Asignatura Pendiente and for She Bangs.

Enjoy.

Asignatura Pendiente

She Bangs!

Zach Cullen 3 Comments

Dolphins Destroying The Nation, One Fin At A Time

Dolphins.

They’re everywhere: in our tuna, on footballs, TV, videogames. It’s no surprise that they’re now taking over the last bastion of anti-dolphin defense: the Navy.

According to a recent CNN article, Dolphins may protect the nation, one fin at a time, “dozens of dolphins and sea lions trained to detect and apprehend waterborne attackers could be sent on a mission to patrol a military base in Washington state, the U.S. Navy said Monday.” Perhaps even more startling for those not familiar with the dolphin crisis America faces, the article reveals that the Navy has been training dolphins since the 1960s as a coastal vanguard against would-be attackers. In fact, dolphins have even been used in the so-called “war on terror” to detect underwater mines in the Iraqi harbor of Umm Qasr in 2003. So the question looms, why are dolphins such a threat?

The Pro-Dolphin Agenda

For some, the usage of dolphins in national defense seems like a logical idea. They’re naturally adept at using ecolocation as a form of navigating their underwater habitat up to around 60 degrees Fahrenheit, they’re not as noticable or as suspect as a geared swimmer, and they don’t count as casualties.

Unfortunately, this line of thinking fails to take into account what I’ve dubbed the “pro-dolphin agenda.” Sure, dolphins may seem harmless, perhaps even ‘cute’ by some human standards, but that’s exactly what they want. Their ability to seem innocent makes them dramatically different than most other large aquatic creatures. Even whales have a threatening element, but not dolphins. People are so willing to embrace them that they forget about what dolphins are really after: power.

The Protocols of the Elders of Delphim

The first and most important point to acknowledge is that dolphins are one of the smartest creatures on the planet. While their intelligence doesn’t rival humans, dolphins are capable of recognizing themselves in mirrors and understanding symbol-based communication systems. Their encephalization quotient (EQ), which measures the ratio between brain to body mass, is roughly 2.5, while humans hover around 7.¹

With that in mind, one must begin to think like a dolphin in order to understand how they think, and thus, how they plan to eventually overtake human civilization and replace it with their own. One of the foremost experts on dolphins went by the name of John Cunningham Lilly, a famous American psychoanalyst (or ‘psychoactualist’) whose experiments with dolphins in conjunction with LSD (both on himself as well as dolphins) in the early to mid 1960s inexorably altered the field of dolphin studies. Through a series of highly scientific tests involving isolation tanks, hallucinogenic drugs and dolphins, Lilly pioneered the attempt to create interspecies communication between humans and dolphins, eventually publishing a book that’s a mix between science and new age mysticism entitled, Programming and Metaprogramming in the Human Biocomputer: Theory and Experiments and The Centre of the Cyclone, which describes, amongst other things, his experience with dolphins. In fact, Lilly went so far as to envision a world in which floating communications laboratory existed where humans and dolphins could “chat as equals” and “find a common language.” He envisioned a time when all killing of whales and dolphins would cease, “not from a law being passed, but from each human understanding innately that these are ancient, sentient earth residents, with tremendous intelligence and enormous life force. Not someone to kill, but someone to learn from.”²

Lilly was eventually discredited as a drug-addled pseudo-scientist whose research was the by-product of intense LSD usage. Thus, we can see him more as a tragic figure, destroyed by the very creatures he attempted to understand, and I’ll get to that in a minute. Lilly’s misguided hope of creating a world where humans and dolphins peacefully coexist wasn’t destroyed by human efforts to eradicate dolphins through systematic netting operations that were sold to the public as mere “fishing,” but instead something far more insidious, which I posit to be the reason why Lilly was eventually driven insane.

The Delphinic Zoophile

Ever since the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, humans and dolphins have had an unsettling relationship. For instance, the government of Myanmar has passed protective legislation for dolphins, as they help to herd fish into nets³. But why? Well, for one, fish are a paraphyletic group, meaning that “any clade containing all fish also contains the tetrapods,” hence why no strict “Class Pisces” exists in modern day biological taxonomy. The other reason is that dolphins receive certain “rewards” for their good behavior.

In 1996, Dragon-wolfe Dolphinn published a manifesto known as “Sex with Dolphins - “How To”, and a Personal Viewpoint…” on his website, dolphinsex.org. The website was shut down by the forces of the Internet (a.k.a. those interested in furthering the pro-dolphin agenda, a.k.a. the United States government and various clandestine pro-dolphin groups), but a mirror can be found by clicking here. Before viewing the website, or the below text, it’s important to note that this website is not a joke, that is why this issue is so serious and troubling. It’s probably best if I simply quote passages from the text:

When a male dolphin is interested in you, about the only thing you can do, if you are male, is to masturbate him… The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can come as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death…You can attempt to lick and suck on the end of it while masturbating as well, but be warned, do not try to give full throat, and get the hell out of the way before he ejaculates! A male dolphin could snap your neck in an accidental thrust, and that would be the end of that relationship.

For mating with female dolphins, the process is far more bizarre.

Obviously, being human, it is awkward, but not impossible to mate in open water. It is easier to have the dolphin in a shallow area (like the shallows just off the beach) around 1 1/2 to 2 feet deep. This is usually comfortable enough for both the dolphin and you. Gently, you should roll the dolphin on her side, so she is lying belly-towards you. You can prop yourself up on an elbow, and lie belly to belly against her. You may want to use the other arm to gently hold her close, and place the tip of your member against her genital slit. She will, if interested, arch her body up against you, taking you inside her body. There is usually a fair bit of wriggling and shifting, usually to get comfortable, both outside and inside. Once comfortable, though, females initiate a series of muscular vaginal contractions that rub the entire length of your member. They may also thrust rhythmically against you, so enjoy the experience while you can, since you will rarely last longer that a minute or two. Just prior to her climaxing, she will up the speed of her contractions and thrusts. It is interesting to note that the times I have mated with females, thay have timed their orgasm to mine. Whether they do this consciously or not, I do not know, but it is a great feeling to have two bodies shuddering against each other at the one time.

In relation to how to seek out a dolphin relationship, Mr. Dolphinn recommends that those with a serious interest in pursuing that type of bond should find a beach or a cove that is frequented by dolphins and develop a relationship with a dolphin until they’re ready to mate with you. It’s not a brothel, but similar to how human relationships are formed, making it all the more subversive.

I suppose what I am suggesting is that in the midst of research, Dr. Lilly became romantically linked to not just one, but numerous dolphins. Perhaps entire schools, or shoals, or whatever jargon you want to use. Once romantically linked, Dr. Lilly’s research suddenly became inundated not with scientific research on cetacean intelligence, but the formation of human-dolphin social relationships. The dolphins manipulated Dr. Lilly into supporting the pro-dolphin agenda, which I have suggested is rooted in power politics. The key to this is, of course, the creation of the Human-Dolphin hybrid.

Human-Dolphin hybridization

According to Richard Butler, the UFOs that dominate popular culture are actually descendants of cetaceans. Moreover, following the same agenda I was talking about, Butler elaborates on the origins, mythology, and future of the hybridization:

The Greys are reportedly engaged in human/grey hybrid experiments. This is reportedly to combine the genetic material of both species into a hybrid species. Is this possible? Japan and several other countries are working even now on inter-species hybridizations. If I am correct that the Greys are of dolphin descent, then the possibility of successful hybridization becomes much greater. Some believe that on Earth, man shared a common genetic ancestor with the dolphin. Up to a certain point in development, human and dolphin fetuses are nearly identical. In the not too distant future it will be possible to produce a hybrid human/dolphin species. I contend that the Greys have already beaten us to it.

In addition, Mr. Butler claims that “certain mythologies hold that some of the Gods came from a world of water. It is now thought by some that these beings genetically altered the existing prehumans on Earth.” As an example of the interconnectedness between ancient human culture and dolphins, Mr. Butler points to the very temple of Delphi, named after the sea Goddess. In fact, even the word “delphos,” which is the ancient derivative for the modern day word “dolphin,” means “womb.”

Now, I don’t know about UFOs, but what I do know is that the more research one does on the subject, the more I am reminded about why I hate dolphins. Thus, we must stop using them in our Navies. We must stop giving them the ability to initiate a coup when our heads are turned—when we least expect it. The dolphins are there and waiting, and we’re arming them, both by creating human-dolphin alliances that merely help to serve the pro-dolphin agenda by increasing the EQ of dolphins, as well as unknowingly sponsoring the inevitable creation of the human-dolphin hybrid, which is the first and most deadliest step towards the fall of the human race and the rise of the Delphim.

1. “Dolphin, Human Brain Size Not So Different” (Discovery) ↩
2. Unsourced Wikipedia material, but undoubtedly true ↩
3. Site Of Human-dolphin Partnership Becomes Protected Area (Science Daily) ↩

Bryan Klausmeyer 9 Comments

The Importance of Trainbox

If there is a terminal modus where the entire cannon of 20th century music originates it can be found in the music of Blind Trainbox Jefferson. The minimalist delta blues musician only knew one note and his speech was incomprehensible even in his day, but the expression of his music has captured the imaginations of generations.

An excerpt from his seminal recording “Gleem Di Hom”:

Hardly a man alive hasn’t felt the primal Delta energy of “Hadabenahan” (some scholars place the mumbling as “Had I Been a Hen”, though the true meaning is lost to time), which was famously covered by Irish Blues-Rock sensation Rory Gallagher, on his “Back to Basics: One String, One Voice” compilation, and later served as the inspiration for Sir Elton’s Lion King Score.

Indeed Trainbox’s music continues to outlive his short life. Though he died at only 26, (interestingly in a train car), and left behind only three recordings and half a picture, his cultural impact on both American music and experimental French opera cannot be overestimated.

Mark Elliot Cullen 1 Comment

America Under Attack: Astronauts

Today, it seems everywhere we look we find Astronaut culture. Children eat dehydrated ice cream and play with astronaut toys. Astronaut fashion is all the rage within the youth culture, as are golf carts modified to look like rocket cars. At times it seems overwhelming. What happened to the culture we used to know?

Indeed, it seems hard to imagine a world without velcro shoes, drinks made out of powder and roving gangs of moon buggies.

As of 2006, a total of 450 people had travelled to space. That’s for the entire world, so the American numbers are probably less than that. But, how many astronauts have been elected to the senate and house? A terrifying amount?

I’ve found about 11, although I believe that estimate is low, as I didn’t search for very long and many might secretly have been astronauts in their youth. Check out the Biographies of Aerospace Officials and Policymakers and you’ll see the tremendous amount of influence the space lobby has in Washington. They spend billions of dollars throwing complicated machinery into space to the point where space has become so cluttered with their garbage that it threatens our way of life. But who’s responsible for this satellite addiction in the first place?

Pre-NASA this wouldn’t have been an issue, ever since the “space-based communication” boom of last century, the global economy has become completely dependent on space technology. NASA is the pusher, and we’re the junkie. They have us by the throat.

You may ask, “Why is this a problem? Sure my kid likes astronauts, but is that so bad?” You idiot, it is. There is a fundamental difference between astronauts and regular Americans. Space people think they’re “too good” for the earth. That’s why they’re always trying to leave it. They’re all about change and exploration and moving to the future. But, what happened to family values? They’ve been stuffed into a toothpaste food and fed to the nearest jacked up adreneline astornazi with a superiority complex. Plus astronauts just look creepy.

While the NASA illuminati and astronazis widdle away our earthly values in government, they are also doing it in the press. Former astronaut Lisa Nowak, who’s astroname is O-345B, an ex-mechanical arm operator was recently arrested for wearing a wig and a trench-coat while driving across state lines in diapers. Oh and kidnapping and attempted murder.

But what’s more interesting is her astronaut tool bag:

During a check of the parking lot, an officer followed Nowak and watched her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. They also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested, authorities said.

Inside Nowak’s vehicle, which was parked at a nearby motel, authorities uncovered a pepper spray package, an unused BB-gun cartridge, latex gloves and e-mails between Shipman and Oefelein. They also found a letter “that indicated how much Mrs. Nowak loved Mr. Oefelein,” an opened package for a buck knife, Shipman’s home address and hand written directions to the address, the arrest affidavit said.

This list may seem very strange and mostly innocuous to a normal earth-loving American, but in the hands of an astronaut it can only mean trouble. As you can see from this video taken from Apollo 13, NASA specializes in making strange devices out of random objects:

If they can build a CO2 convertor from those bizarre objects, what can they do with a BB-gun, some gloves, knives, wigs, rubber tubing, $600 and E-mails? Perhaps we’ll never know, but thank god she was caught in time.

The bottom line is astronauts should not be allowed to roam the streets. At the very least there should be a three day waiting period on any purchases of seemingly random objects, especially if any sort of tubing is involved. Steps should also be taken to educate our children about the dangers of the “astronaut lifestyle” and to educate voters about the death grip NASA has on American politics. Our only weapon is knowledge. Spread the word.

Mark Elliot Cullen 12 Comments

Jobs Calls For An End to DRM

In a (not so) quietly published article posted on Apple’s website, entitled, “Thoughts on Music,” Apple CEO Steve Jobs discusses the background of iTunes’ controversial FairPlay system and fleshes out his vision for the future of DRM. It’s a really interesting piece, especially if you’re interested in intellectual property rights or corporate ideology (in this case, Apple’s). For those that want a debriefing, here’s a summary of what he said and why I think it’s so important:

In his open letter, Jobs gives three possible alternatives for the future of Digital Rights Management. The first option, he states, is to continue operating under the current “top to bottom” proprietary systems for selling, playing and protecting music, so essentially only songs from the Zune store can be played on the Microsoft Zune, only songs from iTunes can be played on the iPod, etc. He seems to suggest that the current system, while flawed, does work, and doesn’t lock users in as much as one might think.

The second alternative is to license Apple’s FairPlay DRM technology to competitors of Apple so that there is greater interoperability between various company’s players and music stores. While the idea seems like a good one (according to him — I happen to think it sounds an awful lot like a Microsoft-esque tactic), if one digs below the surface, he claims that by sharing the secrets of how the DRM works between many companies, it perpetuates the speed with which the DRM gets cracked, due to an increase in possible sources of leaks. Very true.

And then he drops the bomb. “The third alternative is to abolish DRMs entirely…

Imagine a world where every online store sells DRM-free music encoded in open licensable formats. In such a world, any player can play music purchased from any store, and any store can sell music which is playable on all players. This is clearly the best alternative for consumers, and Apple would embrace it in a heartbeat. If the big four music companies would license Apple their music without the requirement that it be protected with a DRM, we would switch to selling only DRM-free music on our iTunes store. Every iPod ever made will play this DRM-free music.

While it may sound like the mad ramblings of some ignoble open-source programmer coasting off the trails of an LSD flash back (and as an aside: Steve Jobs used to ask potential Apple employees about their experiences with hallucinogenic drugs so he could surround himself with like-minded people), it makes quite a bit of sense:

The simplest answer is because DRMs haven’t worked, and may never work, to halt music piracy. Though the big four music companies require that all their music sold online be protected with DRMs, these same music companies continue to sell billions of CDs a year which contain completely unprotected music. That’s right! No DRM system was ever developed for the CD, so all the music distributed on CDs can be easily uploaded to the Internet, then (illegally) downloaded and played on any computer or player.

As Jobs notes, 90% of all music sold by the so-called ‘big four’ comes DRM-free (through the purchase of music on CD). I would argue that by using terrorist tactics (in the original sense of the word) to frighten 10% of consumers into a literal DRM lock-step, it has actually alienated a much larger segment of their consume base, thus increasing the likelihood of a user resorting to piracy, which has become a way to empower the individual to take back the means of production from the overbearing record companies who seem hell-bent on restricting the free trade of information, an attempt that seems rather ridiculous given the vast scope of the internet.

Jobs ends his letter with words of agitation:

Much of the concern over DRM systems has arisen in European countries. Perhaps those unhappy with the current situation should redirect their energies towards persuading the music companies to sell their music DRM-free. For Europeans, two and a half of the big four music companies are located right in their backyard. The largest, Universal, is 100% owned by Vivendi, a French company. EMI is a British company, and Sony BMG is 50% owned by Bertelsmann, a German company. Convincing them to license their music to Apple and others DRM-free will create a truly interoperable music marketplace. Apple will embrace this wholeheartedly.

This is the type of corporate responsibility consumers want to see from the record companies, but instead it’s coming from the middle man, Apple. I absolutely agree with the Apple philosophy towards DRM-free music, and am so happy to see that they have finally taken a few small steps to clear the air about FairPlay and the future of DRM (from their perspective). However, I would argue that it’s not Apple’s job to act as a consumer advocacy group and I think most people would agree with me. The only way for there to be change is to unabashedly support the anti-DRM movement and protest the strict-licensing of thoughts and information.

For those interested, here are several websites you should check out: The Digital imprimatur, Electronic Frontier Foundation, Boycott-RIAA.com, Free Culture, Defective By Design and Stop DRM.

Bryan Klausmeyer 2 Comments

Fecal Matters

I shit you not- French environmentalists have concocted a way to produce electricity from fermented poop. Cow poop in particular is the environmentalists’ anticipated source of renewable energy, taking into consideration that there are currently 20 million cows in France. It is estimated that with the number of cows in France, the amount of electricity that can come from one cow and with the amount of electricity that the French use in a year, cow poop electricity (or le biogaz) could account for a staggering 1.6% of all French electricity. Of course, biogaz can also come from the poop of other animals. What really makes le biogaz a breakthrough is that it has the potential to eliminate the need for fossil fuels (in the distant future when the process is perfected) in the production of electricity. The poop method emits no carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. But how is this miracle of science possible and from what did these environmentalists get their inspiration? Well I’ll tell you!

Imagine if you will, more than 3.5 billion years ago when the first organisms (prokaryotes) on Earth made their harrowing journey through the primordial ooze. The atmosphere at this point in history had no oxygen. The prokaryotes used carbonic gas and hydrogen, making oxygen and methane. When autotrophes hit the scene, they put a lot of oxygen into the atmosphere. For the descendants of our little friends the first prokaryotes, the air became unbreatheable. They fled to other spaces and eventually ended-up in the digestive systems of animals. Animals live in symbiosis with these little critters as they aid in the digestive process.

To make le biogaz, poop is fermented in an oxygen-free cistern to create methane gas. When burned, the methane can be converted into electricity. It’s as simple as that.

So the next time you take a dump, consider its creative potential and put it to good use. Global warming ends with you!

Rachael Brown 11 Comments

Prince Video Roundup

Get excited about the Superbowl Halftime Show tomorrow starring the astounding artist known as Prince. He’s done teasing reporters, and it looks like the show is going to be hot. 2 get u red-dy 4 the show, I’ll use Prince speak (which is a precursor of leetspeak), & show u the artist’s greatest hits on youtube (utube?). All the videos are available after the jump. (If you watch no other videos in this set, watch the last one, it’s amazing.)

First there’s classic Let’s Go Crazy Prince. Careful ladies, he slaps.

Then there’s Prince in context with Michael Jackson and James Brown. He fools around on a guitar with crappy tone and shows his stuff.

Then there’s Prince the guitar master, shown here inducting George Harrison into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He has a man who catches guitar’s for him.

Watch Prince (or should I say Partyman) out-dance Jack Nicholson (to be fair Jack Nicholson was confined to the role of the Joker at the time of his dance, which might have limited his dancing abilities to only those moves that would fit his character.)

For the finale Prince and Beyonce. They make each other so much cooler, and try to out diva each other the whole time. This is a great performance.

I can’t wait for tomorrow night.

Mark Elliot Cullen

Exploring Zappa: You Are What You Is

In these segments I plan on reviewing Zappa albums for you to enjoy. I’ve always wanted to be a Zappa fan since they are usually smarmy, educated and snappy dressers. I love his debut album and “We’re Only In It For The Money”, but where to go from there?

Greatest Hits CDs are for grandmothers, so I would suggest “You Are What You Is” as a good jumping off point. Apparently there’s a pattern in Zappa albums where he starts off with parody songs, and the ones on this album are priceless. “Free is when you don’t have to pay for nothing or do nothing,” explains the opening track which then segues into the country song “Harder Than Your Husband.” Makes me giggle. But there’s more!

The album isn’t just a gigglefest– the guitars are amazing, the riffs are funky, the songs are meaningful, the sound is great. It’s not as experimental as the 60’s Zappa albums, but that’s probably a good thing as it makes better casual listening.

“There’s a big difference between kneeling down and bending over,” Zappa preaches on “Heavenly Bank Account”, a continuing theme in this reactionary anti-Evangelical album. My favorite song is “The Meek Shall Inherit Nothing”, which I think the radical atheistic element of our staff will enjoy. Check it:

Sounds even better on the album when it’s followed by the amazing “Dumb All Over.” Grab a copy here.

Mark Elliot Cullen

Boston Rebuilds After Mooninite Devastation

As thousands lay dead in the city that was the birthplace of American democracy, the few survivors and relief workers left standing in the broken rubble of Boston can only clear up the rubble and bury the dead.

The attack started on Wednesday, when the notorious duo, Ignignokt and Err, descended upon Boston. Mankind’s first contact with an alien race quickly turned violent, as thousands of civilians fell victim to the slow moving but deadly Moonlasers. The aliens, which NASA scientists have theorized originated from the very center of the Moon, toppled hundreds of buildings with their devastating Quad-Laser, including the Old North Church, the Cheers bar on Beacon Street, and Fenway Park. The Mooninites, as they identified themselves between insults and laser fire, also pillaged many of the stores in the Boston area, most notably in the electronics district.

The attacks are thought to have been so destructive because of the alien devices found in strategic locations throughout the city. One is pictured below.

Though the devices appear to be nothing more than an electronic light board, government officials are crediting the few lives that were saved to the Boston Police and the Transit Authority, who removed and destroyed most of the machines.

Even more horrifying than the Second Boston Massacre is the thought of what could have happened. Many similar devices have been discovered in cities across the country. To date, the small plaques which bear the likenesses of the alien menace have been found in New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco, and Philadelphia.

The devices which were not immediately confiscated by government officials soon found their way onto Ebay, where they are currently selling for thousands of dollars. The internet also helped identify two suspected “alien collaborators” in Boston, who posted videos of themselves planting the alien devices two weeks before the attack. The D.A. was forced however to charge the two men with planting an ‘infernal machine’ as opposed to counts of treason.

It is currently unknown why the Mooninites chose only to attack and pilage Boston. Some reports indicate that while on the way to New York, the alien spacecraft stopped in a small New Jersey suburb, and then soon after left for the Moon. After the attackers left, President Bush emerged from the White House nuclear bunker to declare that what was left of Boston “seems to have made it through” the massacre, and to devote 30,000 troops to finding the Mooninites in Iraq.

JUST IN: Footage of the Aliens in New Jersey!

Zach Cullen 5 Comments

Rage Against the Machine Plan Sedition

Some new tongue-in-cheek news from Tom Morrello, the guitarist for the reuniting Rage Against the Machine, apparently they plan on overthrowing the Bush administration. According to Metal Hammer UK, which I read religiously for all my non-organic british isle hammer information, the band decided to reunite this year to overthrow the Bush administration.

We all loved Killing in the Name back when we listened to it on our CD players and/or expensive laptops when we were but young privileged children in high school, and I happen to love their expansive rendition of Maggie’s Farm, which I will recreate here in text for those of you who haven’t heard it.

While I would type the Dylan version like this:

I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more. No I aint’ gonna work, etc.

The Rage rendition features Shatner-esque vocals that can be approximated using lots of ellipses:

I ain’t gonna work …………………….on Maggie’s Farm…………… no more……….. No, I ain’t….. Gonna Work….. on Maggie’s farm…….. no more……

I think President Bush should be worried about this. Remember when they performed at the NY Stock Exchange and made it close an hour early? Remember how Michael Moore got arrested for that? No!? Well then, watch this youtube video. Michael Moore’s finest work since Canadian Bacon.

Man, they rock.

Update: This is amazing.

Mark Elliot Cullen 5 Comments