Of Fruit and Fancy

In what is clearly a slow news day, one of the featured articles on the New York Times’ front page (the web version—I can’t stand paper newspapers—they get my sweaty palms all covered in ink) is a vignette on the winter appeal of lemon zest. Now, the article is essentially about how best to use the pricey and few lemons we’re left with in the winter months (as lemon sales are directly proportional to the rise and fall of the temperature), offering recipes that feature a mélange of lemon and assorted nouvelle cuisine, such as their lemon confit shortbread tart. Of course, this left me to ponder a question of grandiose proprotions: do blogs or different mainstream media corporations have a “fruit bias”?

I suppose the most obvious group to start out with is the New York Times. It’s apt that they should have a lemon causerie on their front page, as they perfectly symbolize the essence of a lemon. For instance, when reading A. O. Scott’s long-winded diatribes on the cinematic legitimacy of Bobby, I often find myself left with a pungeant taste in my mouth (insert obligatory ‘Your mom’ joke here).

On the other hand, I would consider CNN to be an apple, but therein lies a dilemma. Apples are far too substantial for them to be associated with CNN, even if apples are symbolic of American exceptionalism. Grapes might more accurately reflect CNN’s outlook on journalism. They’re one of the least nutritious fruits out there and they swing between dried-up conservatism in the form of a raisin, and bourgeouis liberalism in the form of wine, though I’d take convenient store liquor over a CNN wine any day.

I’m definitely not giving Fox News the glory of appropriating the apple from CNN. Fox News would probably best be described as a pineapple. It’s so sweet it’s bitter, and you know that while it’s a fruit, it can’t be that much better for you than eating a popsicle. Plus, the pineapple is ostentatious and gaudy, relying on large frills and vivid colors to excite, while providing no real substance. Of course, Fox News could also be a star fruit, since stars are somewhat reminescent of the American flag, and they have no taste.

It’s been suggested to me as well that Salon.com could be described as a lime. While I don’t know about that, since I don’t read Salon.com, it does get into the nitty-gritty of this fruit dichotomy. What exactly differentiates a lime from a lemon? Well, I know that I would squeeze a lime on a palamino steak, but I most certainly wouldn’t squeeze one over a lobster or peel-and-eat shrimp. Could the lime be a more ethnic experience, while lemon is reserved for the bourgeouis liberal elite? There are plenty of exceptions to the rule if you sit and think about it, so it seems to be a trifling matter.

Of real importance though is the Velvet Howler. While in my profile page I compared the Howler to a coconut, I think that comparison is only apt in how we deliver the news to our viewers. The fruit we symbolize is a seedless watermelon, without a doubt. I’m not even sure if I want to explain it either, but the idea came to from a Rolling Stone interview with The Strokes in which Julian Casablancas compares their album, “First Impressions of Earth,” with the aforementioned melon. I consider the ethos of that album and our website to be fairly in sync, so it’s simply a matter of tautology.

Editor’s Note: Comparing news corporations and blogs with fruits is no simple matter. Much thought and steadfastness went into preparing these metaphors. A few other good ones might include: Der Spiegel is currants, MSNBC is a kumquat, PBS is an avocado (it is a fruit), Google News is a pomegranate, The Huffingont Post is either an orange or an apple (whether you prefer to cure your marijuana with orange zest or smoke out of an apple bong) and so on.