State of the Union: What Is To Be Done?

The State of the Union. For some, it’s just another week night distraction from the daily grind. A blasé replacement for the Joan & Melissa Rivers’ Fashion Squad that seems to be all too hip these days. But for others, like myself, the State of the Union is serious business. It’s a magical moment when the President talks directly to us, the people, and gives us his plan for a better, brighter future.

Which is why I was so disappointed with this year’s State of the Union address. Continually, year after year, particularly with the Bush administration, I constantly find myself wishing, hoping, praying for something grandiose. Something spectacular that will leave me absolutely elated. Immediately prior to the State of the Union, I read a CNN article that speculated President Bush would announce a plan for reducing fossil fuel consumption. This had me excited, I have to say. But then again, the same announce has had me excited and then disappointed me over the last several years as well.

Then we got it. A 20% reduction in fossil fuel use. Okay, that’s not too bad. Oh.. over the next ten years? Wait, wait, doubling the current size of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve?? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

But it got even better. Apparently Bush reads my blog, because he took my advice on the Iraq troop situation. Check out what I wrote in Troop level conundrum:

Therefore, with those two “traditional” approaches seemingly unavailable, I believe that the only logical and necessary conclusion is to increase the number of armed mercenaries in Iraq…It seems like the use of armed mercenaries is a win-win situation for everyone. You can avoid invigorating an anti-war movement, while also strengthening the number of troops in the region. Troops who are not held accountable to the Geneva Convention. Therefore, we should completely privatize the army, just like Mr. Bush’s failed Social Security reform bill. Hopefully you’re reading, Mr. Bush!

As those of us who watched the State of the Union know (or maybe you heard about it from a friend of yours whose a better citizen than you), Bush has proposed the creation of a United States Civilian Reserve Corps. Essentially, this would legitimize and institutionalize the process of hiring armed mercenaries to fight in the war.

But this is all unimportant stuff. What I am really trying to drive at is that the State of the Union was incredibly dull. Almost nothing new was announced. There was no decent presentation, and Bush isn’t a good orator, I’m sorry to say. Which is why I am now proposing a new solution:

Steve Jobs as President. Okay, maybe he’s a bit dictatorial, but isn’t that what we find so endearing about him? There’s a benevolence to his tyranny. Think about this:

2 days before the State of the Union, Congress is officially closed, patroled very closely by Secret Service agents on the look out for ruffians hiding in the bushes with their telephoto lenses attempting to take snapshots of vague hints of what’s to come. As the day of the keynote approaches, photos begin to leak out onto the internets. Small forums are abound with rumors of what’s to come. Some suspect that Jobs will announce America to go “all green by 2008.” Others are more cautious, replying about how the logistics don’t work out at all, and that while he might announce a plan for alternative energy, it most likely would be a long term plan.

Still, others are suspecting something different. Perhaps a solution to the Iraq war, which would somehow involve the state officially renaming itself to “iRaq.” Honestly, the iPod never did anything that other MP3 players before it hadn’t done already—but what it did do was it created a stream-lined, easy to use interface. Jonathan Ive, Apple’s Industrial Design guru, could apply the same prudence and ingenuity to the Iraqi..er, iRaqi constitution.

Either way, when the day comes, we are shocked, awed, and deep within the inner-sanctum of the Jobsian Reality Distortion Field.

I would definitely enjoy far more fan fare for what should be an event as exciting, if it’s possible, as the Macworld keynotes. I’ll even settle for a WWDC. Either way, Steve should be president, and while some may say it’s improbable, perhaps even impossible, I’m still going to wait for that serendipitous moment when he stands on stage and coyly remarks, “Oh, and one more thing…”