Of Fruit and Fancy

In what is clearly a slow news day, one of the featured articles on the New York Times’ front page (the web version—I can’t stand paper newspapers—they get my sweaty palms all covered in ink) is a vignette on the winter appeal of lemon zest. Now, the article is essentially about how best to use the pricey and few lemons we’re left with in the winter months (as lemon sales are directly proportional to the rise and fall of the temperature), offering recipes that feature a mélange of lemon and assorted nouvelle cuisine, such as their lemon confit shortbread tart. Of course, this left me to ponder a question of grandiose proprotions: do blogs or different mainstream media corporations have a “fruit bias”?

I suppose the most obvious group to start out with is the New York Times. It’s apt that they should have a lemon causerie on their front page, as they perfectly symbolize the essence of a lemon. For instance, when reading A. O. Scott’s long-winded diatribes on the cinematic legitimacy of Bobby, I often find myself left with a pungeant taste in my mouth (insert obligatory ‘Your mom’ joke here).

On the other hand, I would consider CNN to be an apple, but therein lies a dilemma. Apples are far too substantial for them to be associated with CNN, even if apples are symbolic of American exceptionalism. Grapes might more accurately reflect CNN’s outlook on journalism. They’re one of the least nutritious fruits out there and they swing between dried-up conservatism in the form of a raisin, and bourgeouis liberalism in the form of wine, though I’d take convenient store liquor over a CNN wine any day.

I’m definitely not giving Fox News the glory of appropriating the apple from CNN. Fox News would probably best be described as a pineapple. It’s so sweet it’s bitter, and you know that while it’s a fruit, it can’t be that much better for you than eating a popsicle. Plus, the pineapple is ostentatious and gaudy, relying on large frills and vivid colors to excite, while providing no real substance. Of course, Fox News could also be a star fruit, since stars are somewhat reminescent of the American flag, and they have no taste.

It’s been suggested to me as well that Salon.com could be described as a lime. While I don’t know about that, since I don’t read Salon.com, it does get into the nitty-gritty of this fruit dichotomy. What exactly differentiates a lime from a lemon? Well, I know that I would squeeze a lime on a palamino steak, but I most certainly wouldn’t squeeze one over a lobster or peel-and-eat shrimp. Could the lime be a more ethnic experience, while lemon is reserved for the bourgeouis liberal elite? There are plenty of exceptions to the rule if you sit and think about it, so it seems to be a trifling matter.

Of real importance though is the Velvet Howler. While in my profile page I compared the Howler to a coconut, I think that comparison is only apt in how we deliver the news to our viewers. The fruit we symbolize is a seedless watermelon, without a doubt. I’m not even sure if I want to explain it either, but the idea came to from a Rolling Stone interview with The Strokes in which Julian Casablancas compares their album, “First Impressions of Earth,” with the aforementioned melon. I consider the ethos of that album and our website to be fairly in sync, so it’s simply a matter of tautology.

Editor’s Note: Comparing news corporations and blogs with fruits is no simple matter. Much thought and steadfastness went into preparing these metaphors. A few other good ones might include: Der Spiegel is currants, MSNBC is a kumquat, PBS is an avocado (it is a fruit), Google News is a pomegranate, The Huffingont Post is either an orange or an apple (whether you prefer to cure your marijuana with orange zest or smoke out of an apple bong) and so on.

Bryan Klausmeyer 6 Comments

Is It Cool?: Deerhoof

A lot of times when you’re looking for new music, you’re faced with some puzzling decisions. Is this new Strokes album great and expansive, or a self-indulgent rehash? Do I miss ‘Sea Change’ Beck or do I prefer Guero/Information Beck? Is Lou Reed still sane?

Take Deerhoof, are they a great minimalist art pop band that caters to us who know the evolutionary stage between Squirtle and Blastoise? Wartortle.

Or are they a novelty band who have been doing the same thing for years and are now getting recognition because of their persistence to be heard?

I think I like them. Their new album Friend Oppurtunity is pretty great following my first and second listen, and I love the opening track. Their sound is definitly a lot better, and they’ve got better chops. I also love a Beatle Bass, but I haven’t been able to stomach anime since high school, and deerhoof certainly sound pretty “kawaii.”

I don’t know… Is It Cool? Watch the video and comment, if you dare. (I would’ve used their song “The Perfect Me”, but it’s not on youtube in a good version yet. You should “obtain it.”)

Mark Elliot Cullen 2 Comments

Worst Ever, Installment #1

Some people are magnets for money, some for opportunity, some for venereal disease. Me? I was born with a propensity for finding the worst things ever, via the internet. And if nine years of Catholic schooling taught me anything its “don’t hide your light under a bushel.” Thus begins my weekly installment of the worst the internet has to offer.

Worst Unicorn Ever.

Unicorns do not have eyebrows to pierce. Not even imaginary ones. God.

Worst Death Scene From the Worst Movie Ever.

I’m not kidding, rent it. The next time someone says, “This is the worst movie ever”, you’ll be able to say proudly, “You obviously haven’t seen Ax’ em.”

Worst Comic Ever

Sorry billy, your mom’s a fucking idiot.

Worst Job Ever

…or best, I’m still trying to decide

Links

Worst Directions Ever—But officer, Google said it was okay…

Worst Promo Ever—Do NOT say hello…

That’s it for this week. Stay tuned for more treasures to make you question your faith in humanity.

Alayna Frankenberry 1 Comment

Paris Hilton Exposed! or, When celebrities don’t pay their bills.

What happens when celebrities forget to pay the bills on their storage unit? Well, in Paris Hilton’s case, their stuff is no longer their stuff and gets auctioned off to the highest bidder. Sure, we’ve all seen the Paris Hilton sex video (you know, the one were she looks like one of those noctournal rain forest mammals with reflective eyes?), but the stuff offered on www.parisexposed.com promised material that would make that video look like an episode of School House Rock. Sadly, the site has been shut down (temporarily?) due to charges filed by Paris and some of her cohorts. Its unclear whether or not subscribers (the site required a 40$ monthly subscription) will get their money back. Hopefully, the whole thing will get cleared up soon. Until then, here’s what I could find.

That’s all for now.

PS—Can I borrow $40?

Alayna Frankenberry 8 Comments

Wii News: News.

Well folks, I’m sure you all remember me telling you about the Wii I got for Christmas. But it wasn’t until a few days ago that one of the more interesting features finally got up and running. I have now at my control a full fledged AP wire feed.

The stories are about everything. I can browse in three different ways, the first being categorically. National to international, business to technology and even sports are constantly being written about for me. I can learn about the latest in microprocessors or about that escaped convict who stole Crystal Gayle’s tour bus being caught in Daytona Beach.

If I decide I don’t want to search through each article by hand (and I probably won’t, seeing as how the Associated Press types up hundreds of stories daily) I can switch over to slideshow mode, with each story getting about 10 seconds worth of attention. This method relies solely on the headline to grab my attention for the full read, but its a great way to get the gist of things going on.

But the third way is possibly my favorite. Globe mode integrates the globe function from the Weather Channel, allowing for me to search for stories by region. I can zoom out, and pretend like I’m Superman watching the Earth from space. Then I zoom back in and learn about Bird Flu in Japan.

There is one error though with this service, and that is the articles are all filed with a location. Now sometimes, the Wii doesn’t recognize the location, as it can’t place it anywhere on the Globe, and it’ll show a green picture of the populated continents in place of related pictures or whooshing to the location on the earth.

I’ve been playing around with it, but it also looks like this inability to place certain stories also removes them from view on Globe mode. You can still see them on slideshow and in the main categories though, so its ok.

I’m also worried about the buffer of stories. I don’t know how long exactly it will be able to go back yet, as it’s only been up and running for a few days, so this story about Shaq chasing down a hit and run driver might be here in a week, but given how many new stories will appear between now and then, taking up precious memory space, I doubt it will stick around for long.

The best part about the old AP stories is that they get updated, occasionally with pictures and with more text. In a way, they’re like a really delicious food analogy, and if you just let a few stories marinate for a few hours or days, you’re sure to have something tasty.

But anyway, I think this thing is neat. Its a up to the minute news service that isn’t a cable channel.

Oh yeah, here is footage of a typical Wii playing experience:

http://rogerdaltwii.ytmnd.com/

Zach Cullen

State of the Union: What Is To Be Done?

The State of the Union. For some, it’s just another week night distraction from the daily grind. A blasé replacement for the Joan & Melissa Rivers’ Fashion Squad that seems to be all too hip these days. But for others, like myself, the State of the Union is serious business. It’s a magical moment when the President talks directly to us, the people, and gives us his plan for a better, brighter future.

Which is why I was so disappointed with this year’s State of the Union address. Continually, year after year, particularly with the Bush administration, I constantly find myself wishing, hoping, praying for something grandiose. Something spectacular that will leave me absolutely elated. Immediately prior to the State of the Union, I read a CNN article that speculated President Bush would announce a plan for reducing fossil fuel consumption. This had me excited, I have to say. But then again, the same announce has had me excited and then disappointed me over the last several years as well.

Then we got it. A 20% reduction in fossil fuel use. Okay, that’s not too bad. Oh.. over the next ten years? Wait, wait, doubling the current size of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve?? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

But it got even better. Apparently Bush reads my blog, because he took my advice on the Iraq troop situation. Check out what I wrote in Troop level conundrum:

Therefore, with those two “traditional” approaches seemingly unavailable, I believe that the only logical and necessary conclusion is to increase the number of armed mercenaries in Iraq…It seems like the use of armed mercenaries is a win-win situation for everyone. You can avoid invigorating an anti-war movement, while also strengthening the number of troops in the region. Troops who are not held accountable to the Geneva Convention. Therefore, we should completely privatize the army, just like Mr. Bush’s failed Social Security reform bill. Hopefully you’re reading, Mr. Bush!

As those of us who watched the State of the Union know (or maybe you heard about it from a friend of yours whose a better citizen than you), Bush has proposed the creation of a United States Civilian Reserve Corps. Essentially, this would legitimize and institutionalize the process of hiring armed mercenaries to fight in the war.

But this is all unimportant stuff. What I am really trying to drive at is that the State of the Union was incredibly dull. Almost nothing new was announced. There was no decent presentation, and Bush isn’t a good orator, I’m sorry to say. Which is why I am now proposing a new solution:

Steve Jobs as President. Okay, maybe he’s a bit dictatorial, but isn’t that what we find so endearing about him? There’s a benevolence to his tyranny. Think about this:

2 days before the State of the Union, Congress is officially closed, patroled very closely by Secret Service agents on the look out for ruffians hiding in the bushes with their telephoto lenses attempting to take snapshots of vague hints of what’s to come. As the day of the keynote approaches, photos begin to leak out onto the internets. Small forums are abound with rumors of what’s to come. Some suspect that Jobs will announce America to go “all green by 2008.” Others are more cautious, replying about how the logistics don’t work out at all, and that while he might announce a plan for alternative energy, it most likely would be a long term plan.

Still, others are suspecting something different. Perhaps a solution to the Iraq war, which would somehow involve the state officially renaming itself to “iRaq.” Honestly, the iPod never did anything that other MP3 players before it hadn’t done already—but what it did do was it created a stream-lined, easy to use interface. Jonathan Ive, Apple’s Industrial Design guru, could apply the same prudence and ingenuity to the Iraqi..er, iRaqi constitution.

Either way, when the day comes, we are shocked, awed, and deep within the inner-sanctum of the Jobsian Reality Distortion Field.

I would definitely enjoy far more fan fare for what should be an event as exciting, if it’s possible, as the Macworld keynotes. I’ll even settle for a WWDC. Either way, Steve should be president, and while some may say it’s improbable, perhaps even impossible, I’m still going to wait for that serendipitous moment when he stands on stage and coyly remarks, “Oh, and one more thing…”

Bryan Klausmeyer 1 Comment

Albert Hammond, Jr.: Action Hero?

It seems the rhythm guitarist for the Strokes, Albert Hammond, Jr. has stopped an intense police chase in Texas using his tour bus. Does helping the police help your rock star credibility?

Usually I would say no, but this sounded exciting and I’m imagining something like this…

I’m going to stick with the sleepy stoner and call his credibility cemented.

His new solo album Yours to Keep came out recently, and it’s worth checking out, particularly the song “In Transit”. It’s a decent album, especially if you’re looking for something simple, upbeat, and not too hard.

Mark Elliot Cullen

Lindsay Lohan Does Crack/Yoga

For us plebians, it might not take much for us to admit we have a problem. Perhaps we miss work because we drink too much, or our grades drop, or our friends just pull us aside and say, “You’re face is covered in crack.” But for celebrities, admitting you have a problem just isn’t that easy. Take Lindsay Lohan for example. It wasn’t until January 5th that her friends and family finally planned an intervention to deal with her substance abuse problems. Why did they finally break down and confront her?

Well, she partied hard at Hollywood’s Les Deux less than 24 hours after having her appendix removed. Last time I checked, appendix+cocaine/alcohol/opiates/dead baby blood (or whatever else Lohan does (I wouldn’t rule out baby blood just yet-the girl looks like the walking dead)= no good. Lohan checked into Wonderland Center addiction-treatment facility last week and has been sending text messages to all her friends saying she’s never been happier. I’m sure anyone would be happy with a full spa, yoga instructors and beauty consultants to help them through addiction.

Fuck up in Hollywood and you get to hang out in Wonderland, fuck up anywhere else and the closest you might get is spending your withdrawl listening to Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit on repeat in a motel bathtub.

Alayna Frankenberry

‘New Morning’ is a Great Morning Album

So you enjoy Bob Dylan? Alright, do you also enjoy melody and good singing?

Well then, I’ve got the Dylan album you’ve been searching for. It’s called New Morning.

New Morning is an album no one talks about, and I can understand why. It’s soft Dylan, like Paul McCartney and a piano with Dylan’s lyrics (no need to worry about “Jenny Wren” or “Obla-Di, Obla-Da”). There’s a Gospel influence which reminds me of 80’s Leonard Cohen, and no sign of electric blues which might be a bad thing if this album wasn’t so tenderly crafted.

“Went To See The Gypsy” is my favorite Dylan song. The simple electric piano sounds great and the lyrics are meaningful but more accessible than a lot of other Dylan. Plus, you’ve got George Harrison adding his guitar work, and the combination doesn’t get much better. “Sign On a Window” is a beautiful minor key ditty, with some serious melody and a passionate middle eight. Another surprising gem is “Three Angels,” a spoken word organ-based song with a lot of juice in it.

This album is the most underrated in his catalog. As good as Blood on the Tracks, and you can taste Al Kooper’s influence on the whole affair. I couldn’t recommend a better chill out album.

Mark Elliot Cullen

Not So OKCupid

In the last few years American culture has become inundated with dating websites. It’s hard to get through any televised dating show without seeing a commercial for Truematch, or EHarmony (the creepy factor of which was best pinpointed by a friend who decribed them as Grandma talking about Grandpa in bed.) My housemate recently got a job at OkCupid, and part of the job entails him taking down user images that have been flagged as offensive. Lucky me, and lucky you. Surely the technological advances in photoeditting can help even the most repugnant of losers seem attractive to someone (myspace angles, anyone?)

Sadly, there remain those few special slags that just cant get it right. This is my tribute to them, compliments of Okcupid.com.

Specimen 1

Pros:

• Knows his way around babygap.
• Will get on well with your mum.

Cons:

• Is still being breastfed.
• Wears socks with sandals. can anyone say faux paux?

Specimen 2

Pros:

• Has mastered the difficult yoga pose of submissive cowboy.
• Has a six inch taint.

Cons:

• Requires seeing eye pig to leave his lawnchair.
• Lives across the street from a preschool.

Specimen 3

Pros:

• Smoking cigars.

Cons:

• Smoked sausage.

Specimen 4

Pros:

• No gag reflex.

Cons:

• Magic mystery latex hands not included.

Alayna Frankenberry

Rich Little: Reagan Lover

Last year’s White House Correspondant’s dinner featured the comic stylings of Stephen Colbert, a delightful southern conservative and Nixon-friendly republican. Since the blogosphere expanded dramatically after the main stream media and new york post ignored the incident the Correspondent’s Dinner this year naturally has got a lot of people buzzing.

Who was chosen? Rich Little!

Hopefully his appearance will have as much impact on the ever expanding blogosphere as last year’s and will continue the tradition of excellence established by Dr. Colbert in 2005. But….

Perhaps this has something to do with the decision?

EDIT The “Voices” section of his site is fucking incredible.

Mark Elliot Cullen

Overlooked Music: Black and Blue

Have you heard of the Rolling Stones? They’re a band from the 60’s with big lips and drugs and coconuts. They are old. Recently I listened to their mid 70’s creation Black and Blue and was surprised to find that’s it’s actually a great album.

There’s the dogma that the goats-head era stones were at an artistic low point, and I see some validity to that, but Black and Blue gets swept along too easily.

I like the experimentation with different styles on this album, particularly the funky opener “Hot Stuff” and the reggae “Cherry Oh Baby” which the stones pull off pretty well compared to their punk contemporaries from this time period (See “Redando Beach” by Patti Smith….). “Hand of Fate” features some great guitar sections, and “Melody” has a wonderful nonsensical hook: Melody, Melody, it was a second name. Billy Preston’s piano shines through on that track and Mick’s sounds great on “Memory Motel”.

I don’t really know what’s going on with the album cover– Charlie Watts looks like he’s going through Chemo and Bill Wyman is wearing some sort of wizard’s uniform– but the album is great and worth a second listen.

Mark Elliot Cullen