Microsoft Giving Out Free Laptops, Screwing Self

Well hello there Mr. Willy Gates. Remember me? That would be a surprise, seeing as you totally forgot to send me my free Vista laptop. I heard through Slashdot that you were distributing these devices to bloggers as a way of saying thanks for all the hard work, covering technology and your Win-dows computer system. It’s actually lucky you didn’t send me one, because if you had, I would have broken into your house on Christmas eve, dipped your dog into liquid nitrogen, and shattered his frozen dog corpse with the laptop as your wife and children came down the stairs to open presents. I don’t even know if you have children or if you lay eggs or something, but boy howdy would they be disturbed.

Now don’t get me wrong here, I am a fan of your dominion over the earth and the internet. The Nazi’s may have been the second most evil¹ force our world has known, but you have to admire the German efficiency and pluckiness that put them on the verge of conquering the world 70 years ago. You respect it, like Link respects Gannon even though Gannon is pure evil and also a pig.² But I guess you have made me so damn angry because you have not returned that respect which I give to you, and completely snubbed me and my blog “Why is the sky blue?” at kohrakx.blogspot.com.

I’ve read Brandon LeBlanc, Scott Beale, Barb Bowman, Mauricio Freitas, Mitch Denny, and Long Zheng. All of their blogs SUCK compared to mine! Sure, I may not be “fancy” and have my own website or to bother to tag any of my bi-monthly posts with relevant searchable terms or any of those other bells and whistles. And yes, maybe I do only have 21 entries after being online for over six months. Some people believe in quallity over quanity, but I take it one step further, and believe in the quallity of the quantity of my quality. I don’t post a new blog entry until it is absolutely perfect, like my entry about getting the Back to the Future trillogy on DVD.

So congratulations, Mister Gates. You have forever alienated and made an enemy of every blogger like me, who you have SNUBBED. You couldn’t have offended me more if you dug up my grandpas and had a necrophiliactic three way. Myself, and the countless other members of the internet community who you have decided to ignore will now do the opposite to you. I invite every single blogger who did not receive a free laptop from Senor Bill “Moneybags” Gates to remind everyone through their blogs that “Windows” is more like “WinBLOWS.” That the true way to spell your company’s name is “MicroSUCK.” Together, we will post that picture of you as a Borg on every comment box and message board, and this time the world will listen! This is the beginning of the revolution, Billy-Boy.

You disgust me, Bill Gates. I am one person you will NEVER own.³

1. If you guessed that Microsoft was number 1, you may be smart enough to handle an iPod Shuffle. I got one for Christmas and it’s pretty cool. ↩
2. I also got a Wii and Twilight Princess for Christmas. Any ladies wanna trade Wii codes? ↩
3. P.S. Do you have any more of those laptops available? They look pretty cool and I really want one. ↩